Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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