debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
