yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
