Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
