Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
