When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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