I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
