she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
my shit smells like andre
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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