Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
