i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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