No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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