did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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