I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
