So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I need to wash the frat house off of me
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
