Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
