this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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