I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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