There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
