Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
