k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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