I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
