We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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