Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
