you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
