what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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