Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
