$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Is Oprah even human
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
