Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
