Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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