He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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