My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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