While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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