i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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