the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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