I CAN MOONWALK!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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