if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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