Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
