oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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