new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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