Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
