My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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