a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
