new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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