I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
