maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
