He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
