tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
