he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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