i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
