I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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