I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
